8.26.2008

Bare Bones Poem - Collaborative Poetry

Part V

Be a magician, arch your wand.
Let doors quickly open
around your feet and head.
At the end of your show,
bow deep, then savor,
letting silence, gasps, cheers, and applause
mingle like unholy ancient chants
of a sacrifice
before you dissapear into smoke
like a starman sent from the sky
getting breath from the anticipation
(or a collective scream).



In this ReadWritePoem Prompt #41, we posted a poem of ours missing most the nouns and verbs. Then we chose the "stripped down" poem of another poet, and filled in the words. Here is the bare-bones poem I had to work with posted by A~Lotus:

Part v.
Be a _____, arch your _____.
Let _____ quickly _____
around your _____ and _____
at the _____ of your _____.
_____ deep, then _____,
letting _____, _____, _____, and _____
mingle like _____ _____ _____
of a _____
before you _____ into _____
like a _____ _____ from the sky
and getting _____ by the _____
(or a _____ _____).

(This poem with all its original words may be found HERE.)


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I orginally chose another longer poem, because I simply liked the shape. But I was stumbling a bit and not really having fun, so I chose this one, of which I immediately liked the tone. I ran right through it, filling in the words like I was reciting something learned. I only changed a couple small words in the 2nd to last line and the punctuation in one other line. It was easy (and fun)--until the end line.
Obviously, this line should somehow turn the poem around, but I couldn't do it. It is frustrating me. However, I really like the picture it paints.

Here is my original poem I posted as a bare bones model for others to choose:

I am not connected with nature
The trees don’t sing to me
The winds deny the pleasure
Of coming around to me
I have felt the sun on my face
But it has not set me free
I am not connected to nature
And she’ll have nothing to do with me.

It's a silly lil thing, but I was actually very desperate when I wrote it. It is simple and boring, because I just didn't care; I was so apathetic with my life at that moment. I would love to see it improved by another.

Well, I am off to read the REAL Part V.
Also, I want to thank Dana at ReadWritePoem for a surprising exercise and A~Lotus for a great model to play with!!

20 comments:

throwshiswords said...

Very nicely done, Jenn, and so different than A~Lotus' original. This was a fun, very "green" challenge -- I guess this proves poets too can "reduce, reuse, recycle" LOL.

Annamari said...

I like both poems - they flow very well and looks like you had fun writing them.

my favorite:
" I am not connected with nature
The trees don’t sing to me
The winds deny the pleasure
Of coming around to me"
I could of said that.

AmbiguityLotus said...

How lovely!!

Despite your frustration, I really like how your version turned out (especially the "collective scream" and "unholy ancient chants/of a sacrifice/...starman sent from the sky"). I can so imagine that!! Everything flowed!! :)

I am so honored that you chose to do my skeleton. It's not one of my best poems, but it was a quickie I threw together during poetry month. Thank you so much for sharing! :)

gautami tripathy said...

I find it very magical. You did well!

paring it all down to the basics

polona said...

i like your take... it's clever and magical and love the last line!

Nathan said...

I like how you compare the audience's reaction to ancient chants. I like this a lot.

Jenn: said...

Thanks guys. I think I will rework it into another longer, more descriptive poem later.

Crafty Green Poet said...

I like what you did with the skeleton, very good.

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