7.08.2008

Contents

The air
startles my lungs
stunning me with health and life
The streets
stirred by light
dive from the seams and slip past me
The earth
breathes a melody just under
her children’s constant chiming
The hour
again finds me and flowing
back into my blood, displaces the day.

(ReadWritePoem, Get Your Poem On #34)

12 comments:

Jenn here: said...

Help me out here:

Everytime I rewrite this poem, I change "diplaces" to "displacing" and back again (in the last line).

What do you think?

throwshiswords said...

Hi Jenn. I like this poem, I really get the "inspiration" (literally).

My $0.02 on your question: I'd say definitely "displaces" not "displacing". "Flowing" is _how_ the hour displaces the day.

My favorite image: the streets "dive from the seems" -- excellent!

Crafty Green Poet said...

I like the shape of this poem and lines 7-9 are particularly good. I'd go with 'displaces' in the last line too.

Jo said...

Hi Jenn, thanks for stopping by. I vote for displaces too......I like 'the streets stirred by light', beautiful image.

gautami tripathy said...

I too vote for displaces..

piece of charcoal split into splinters

lottery numbers said...

It enables us to express our feelings and opinions.

maekitso said...

Such a pain when reality strikes. That little seed, in a brief moment, demands watering with such great might.

Nancy and the fatties said...

Very nice -
I like "the streets...stirred by light"

I vote for displaces too!
n and the pees

SweetTalkingGuy said...

Yeah it reads ok like this - but if you really wanna use 'displacing' I think you'd need to change 'flowing' to flows. (And what's with that word 'seems'?) Anyway, what do I know - I like your poem!

Pam said...

I think that if you change "displacing" you will have to changed the tense in the rest of the poem. I would keep it as it is.

Jenn: said...

Sweettalkingguy, you are right. It was a misspelling. Thanks for pointing it out.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I will keep it "displaces."

Jenn: said...

Craftygreenpoet:
7-9 were the lines I thought most out of place. Thanks.